Meaning

According to my wife, there is a question that I bring every couple months wrapped in some sort of mildly different language. Generally I often wonder, “is my work as meaningful as say, the architect of a cathedral?”

Last night, the question came up again and my wife respond with another question. “Is there something deeper you’re trying to figure out? Are you unhappy with your job?”

I’m not sure. I think there is certainly something underneath that nagging question, but I haven’t spent enough time to mine that far down into my psyche. Maybe it’s not even a matter of mining down, but answering the most basic of questions. Am I happy in my work? 

I know for certain that I have a deep longing for real, authentic connection with people and I’ll admit that I don’t have much of that at my current job. That could be partly due to my view of the people there as well as the intention I put forth as I enter into that place. Perhaps I have an ideal built up in my mind that needs to be razed to make room for a more holistic view of human relationship. I’m not sure. I do know that I have a relatively low capacity to talk about football or women for any length of time. I prefer the more substantive things, and my current colleagues are not particularly interested in things below the surface. 

So what does that mean? Do I find new work? Do I invest more heavily in those I spend time with? Am I projecting on others my own faults? Does anyone else care about living a life more purposeful, authentic and full of meaning? Where do I go? I feel stuck, paralyzed with fear, comfort and predictability. Why do I always end up here?

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