I’m not sure I’ve ever sat down, with full intention, and written down the things that I truly want in life.
It’s an odd exercise in that I feel like it’s overly selfish. However, so many Buddhist, some Christian and mystical teachers often suggest that in finding oneself, only then can we live into our full potential. When we are doing the things that makes us happy on a gut level, then we can be forces for good in the world.
So, what do I want to do? As Rob Bell asked, what is it that gives my heart life? There are things I like to do, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to support a family. Having often said that, I wonder why I always use that excuse? Perhaps because I haven’t found what I would truly like to do, rather than something that I like to do. If that’s the case, I have a lot of work to do still to find that purpose.
I think that may be my meditation for the next week at the very lest. What am I to do? What kind of person do I want to be in the world?
I realize this is kind of an echo of the previous few entries, but I’ve never spent time even asking these sorts of questions, so it all new. I guess I’ll be spinning my wheels a bit until I can get some traction and direction. Hopefully that comes soon, but I have a feeling I’m going to have to be intentional about focusing on the journey and not a destination.
According to my wife, there is a question that I bring every couple months wrapped in some sort of mildly different language. Generally I often wonder, “is my work as meaningful as say, the architect of a cathedral?”
Last night, the question came up again and my wife respond with another question. “Is there something deeper you’re trying to figure out? Are you unhappy with your job?”
I’m not sure. I think there is certainly something underneath that nagging question, but I haven’t spent enough time to mine that far down into my psyche. Maybe it’s not even a matter of mining down, but answering the most basic of questions. Am I happy in my work?
I know for certain that I have a deep longing for real, authentic connection with people and I’ll admit that I don’t have much of that at my current job. That could be partly due to my view of the people there as well as the intention I put forth as I enter into that place. Perhaps I have an ideal built up in my mind that needs to be razed to make room for a more holistic view of human relationship. I’m not sure. I do know that I have a relatively low capacity to talk about football or women for any length of time. I prefer the more substantive things, and my current colleagues are not particularly interested in things below the surface.
So what does that mean? Do I find new work? Do I invest more heavily in those I spend time with? Am I projecting on others my own faults? Does anyone else care about living a life more purposeful, authentic and full of meaning? Where do I go? I feel stuck, paralyzed with fear, comfort and predictability. Why do I always end up here?